Man, I used to be funny

Here's a story: my senior year of college, I was looking for a job. A job in New York. I wanted, more than anything, to work at Entertainment Weekly. I worshiped Entertainment Weekly. So much that I threw all of my dignity out the window, and wrote the ballsiest cover letter I've ever written.

Because of this cover letter, and my persistence, and the fact that I called everyone at Entertainment Weekly begging for an interview, I did indeed get an interview. I was going to New York anyway to interview at a different company, and someone at EW agreed to meet me.

I was beyond excited. I was going to actually achieve my dream.

Well, it didn't happen. They called the morning of the interview and canceled, and I didn't get the other job either. I wound up staying in San Antonio, getting a job here, meeting John, getting another job, marrying John, buying a house, getting two dogs, the whole nine yards. It worked out, that I never got that job at Entertainment Weekly.

I ran across that cover letter I sent them, and I thought I'd share it with you. I think it pretty well encapsulates my sense of humor, how desperate I was for this job, and what awesome writing skills I have.

Dear Mr. Tetzeli,

All I’ve got is snark. I thought I had other skills, but it turns out it all comes down to snark.

Fortunately, snark is a good quality in writing. Specifically, it’s a good quality in Entertainment Weekly. EW has snark in spades. And so do I. Which is why I think I would be a perfect match at EW, as a writer, designer, editorial assistant, or lackey.

As a former Reed Business Information intern, I have written about pharmaceuticals, food manufacturing, and bulk processing. You probably don’t know about these industries, but I didn’t either when I started at RBI. I learned quickly and was given multiple stories to write. In fact, I’m still writing freelance pieces for RBI.

For the past three years, I have been the yearbook editor at my university, meaning I have produced a 240-page yearbook in 8 months with only 7 layout artists and 1 cranky managing editor. I have done this, and managed to stay sane and to keep up with my studies.

So I have the writing experience, and the managing experience, but I also have the design experience. In the 6 years I have been dealing in design, I have worked with Adobe PageMaker, QuarkXPress, Adobe Photoshop, and InDesign. I could double-page spreads in my sleep. I can eyeball picas from a mile away. I can throw 15 spot colors on a page with one hand tied behind my back.

I can do all of these things. But why do I want to work for you? Simply because Entertainment Weekly is my Bible. Every Monday, I read it cover to cover, and pine until I can read the next issue. I have incorporated elements from the designs into my own designs because they are simply that good.

Essentially, I love Entertainment Weekly. I would love working for Entertainment Weekly, no matter the capacity. I can be at your beck and call in August.

Sincerely,

Lauren Thompson

Hello new followers and visitors!

Yesterday, Bob Gamber (@bobgambert), put out a call for interesting local blogs. He works at WOAI and was putting together a segment for SA Living, their morning show. Debi Pfitzenmaier (@MomOnMars) recommended my blog and a bunch of other blogs. And I made the cut!

So many of you are here now because you saw the post on WOAI's site, or follow me on Twitter, or found me on Twitter, or are friends of mine on Facebook. If we've never met before, welcome! I do review a lot of food, restaurants and recipes, but I also blog a lot about my life. I think I'm pretty funny, mainly because I won "Most Witty" in high school. But other people have told me so as well.

Facts: I have two dogs, one husband, and countless pairs of earrings. I like pie. A lot. I really don't like it when people don't know the difference between loose and lose. I really wanted to work at Entertainment Weekly, and tried like crazy to get a job there. I went to college at Trinity University. I think my grandparents are awesome. A friend of mine once told me that I have small fingers, like a carny. We are still friends. I made weird faces in photos. I am addicted to lip balm. I hate Kevin Costner, and flaky people. But I love flaky crusts, in a pie. (See how I brought that full circle?)

So that's me. And here you are, reading about me. I hope you like what you've read here. Let me know if there's other things I should be writing about, if you know any cool places I should be going, restaurants I should be eating at, recipes I should be cooking.

Cheers!
Lauren

ASK LAUREN

Hello internets! Riddle me this:

1. Do you have questions? Things that plague you? Problems with roommates, boyfriends, wives, mothers, coworkers, strangers, dogs, etc.?
2. Would you like someone to help you with those problems?

You are in luck! I am starting a new section of i go right for the blogular, called ASK LAUREN. It is, how do you say, an advice column. It has come to my attention that I am awesome and give great advice. Or, at the very least, I give funny advice. I can go either way with it. If I don't give you real advice, I'll give you funny advice.

Example:

Question: I am throwing a dinner party and I want to invite only a select group of friends. There's one couple that I don't want to invite, but they're friends with everyone else. Should I suck it up and invite them or not? If not, what do I say?

Funny Answer: Why don't you like them? Are they tools? If so, just tell them that you don't like tools in your house. End of discussion.

Real Answer: You can just suck it up and invite them if you think it would be less trouble. If you see them on a regular basis, this might be the most agreeable option. But if you don't see them often, you can get away with not inviting them. You could tell the others invited that this is a small event and you don't have the space to invite everyone. Or you could just not address it at all and assume that everyone will be an adult about it.

I am not an expert on really anything, but I can pretend to be. Or point you in the right direction. Or Google it. But then again, if I can Google it, so can you, so don't bother me with that shit.

So send me some questions! You can leave them as comments to this post, anonymously or not, or send them to me at laurenwthompson [at] gmail [dot] com.